Friday, 26 June 2009

Licensed to ill.

It was back to Clinical research for a quarterly check up…bloods, walking, feet tickling, all the usual stuff. It fact it begins to feel like some sort of international torture conspiracy. The French “Allo, Allo” impersonating doctor was not to be found. Instead was a lady doctor from Spain, which is nice that we’re keeping it in the EU. Lady Doctor from Spain didn't fill me with confidence. This excuse must please me she said but this time first that I test do in English. Many times Spanish we do all the time often, but in English never. I have just been reminded by the trial manager that I mustn’t tell this doctor which drug I am taking as it is a “blinded” test. It’s important that her interpretation of results is not influenced. When she says tell me if I push your fingers down or up whilst she manipulates my toes I’m reasonably confident that I could shout Rebif Interferon beta 1a, three times weekly injection at the top of my voice and she’d be none the wiser.

Next it’s on to a new Neurologist, who seems to have got his jobs mixed up. He definitely gives the impression that he’s a suave, sophisticated secret agent working for MI5. NeuroBond, (licensed to interpret an MRI) sweeps into room 0.07. Hi, Its Dave isn’t it? Dave Carey. Any problems? Any side effects? Flu? Sadness? Paranoia? (Or was that just in my head) Alas I’m free of side effects which makes me a little paranoid. I’m not shaken or stirred as he goes through the usual rigmarole of general check ups and questions. A new nurse enters. She’s 6’ tall, blond and gorgeous. Ahh Miss Moneypenny. Take his blood.

Everyone’s Favourite Nurse has followed through her threat and moved to Southampton so now I’m under the watchful eye of Miss Moneypenny. Alas Moneypenny can’t do blood tests, she is more of a secretarial nurse (she gives me the urine sample jar) so she calls in another nurse. Nurse Blofeld doesn’t take prisoners. She doesn’t take blood particularly well either. Two arms later and I’m feeling like a pin cushion. After two hours I’m released into the outside world and head for the tube. It’s probably me but I’m sure I was followed home.

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